if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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