no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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