Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
