So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
