Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
