The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
