conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
