you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
