If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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