just tell him i said nine months
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
