I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just had sex on a roof
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
