Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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