just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
