i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
