As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
