ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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