i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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