I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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