stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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