My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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