You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
