the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
