exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
