i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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