I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
