chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
