On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
are you so shy because you have an std?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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