Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
