is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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