If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
