Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
