mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
