Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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