the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
