mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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