am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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