I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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