There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
