Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
