Just cropdusted the office
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
