Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
