Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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