i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
