Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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