Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
