I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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