the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
