theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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