What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
