Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
