I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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