Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have peed in a lot of sinks
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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